Originally written: June 22nd 2009
Every moment I could spare I would watch her, that was the only time I ever felt truly full. Every other time I would be en empty casket searching for a reason to live. Lucy was not just some obsession, I had a deep and powerful love for her. Lucy had been everything that I could ever want.
I tried hard to constantly justify my logic for my connection with her, but it could be nothing else other than love. Lucy was not a perfect being, or even the most beautiful woman by many standards, she was moody, temperamental and highly opinionated.
But sometimes there are things far beyond the comprehension of human kind, and at the same time they require no justification at all, somethings are meant to be; such as animal attraction. Some may call it a connection-pheromones, things of that nature, but for whatever reason I could never shake Lucy from my mind.
Almost 3 years ago, I was a different person. I lived by the moment without consequence day by day.I spent all my time doing whatever it was I felt like doing. With almost no regard for anybody else. My best friend Fhil and I would go drinking once in a while and play video games, talk a lot. I was grateful to have such a great friend, he was also the reason I met Lucy. It was in early august, Fhil and I just went to the beach for a few drinks. Fhil ran into one of his casual girlfriends, who of course had a posse of women with her, Lucy being one of them. I remember her disconnection from the rest of the group caught my eye right away, she was always awkwardly misplaced, looking away from everyone; you would most likely get the impression that she was shy.
I started to talk to her, and slowly we pulled away from the group, Fhil seemed to handle all the women by himself anyway. Lucy told me of her life, her love for animals and nature, her dedication to her unobtainable dreams. I know, it was impossible to know then and there, But I was sure I had fallen in love. Lucy was different, her responses weren't the standard generic kind; it had clicked long before she even opened her cute little lips.
Lucy showed me a life I didn’t know, we would go on picnics, bread, cheese and apples, and she would make me taste them all together; she would show me her favorite TV show and explain every detail that inspired her. Every morning we would kiss, as if we had never kissed before; tender and gentle and full of love and longing and for the rest of the day I would be filled with a happiness, unexplainable.
It wasn't until Lucy came to stay with me for a few weeks that things really started to deteriorate. Fhil had been around, feeling lonely I suppose although knowing him he would never admit it. I ignored Lucy, I knew my responsibilities were to her, but Fhil had always been there for me. I thought she should’ve been more understanding. But this was the first time we were to be alone, together for an extended period of time.
Fhil stayed over the entire time, Lucy felt so disappointed and broken, and when she left her greatest-selfless regret was actually having to go at all.
I felt terrible, but there wasn’t much I could do, I guess it was my own fault; i messed up.
After that, Lucy pulled further away, we talked still as often, saw each other briefly but something had changed, we would fight about things that didn't matter,and one day Lucy came back from a party, she called me the next day and told me she met a guy, and I knew that was it.
She saw him that weekend, and they were gone, Lucy disappeared right then and there and I was left back were I started but with such a feeling of loss and embarrassment. Now things couldn't simply go back to the way it had been before Lucy.
I lived with Fhil for a long time, hoping that I would erase all my memories, the apple, the park, the smell of her hair. Time I thought, was the only real healer ; time did help, it got easier but...
Even after dating a handful of girls, they were not even close to Lucy.
I wonder if things would be different had I met someone else genuine like her, not with ill intentions, or just using me. It didn’t matter.
Lucy is still taken, not by the same guy though; by a much nicer guy than the last. I know he takes care a lot for her,she deserves that.
There's nothing left that I can do, I think about her still, I remember promises I made- things I said but never did; I live looking for another one like Lucy.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Reality of Lucy.
The truth is Lucy did change my life, she made me see things that I didn’t expect. Lucy was one of those things found by luck, a blessing and a curse. Reality is we never lived close together , we were always far apart. The few times we met, a lot of it were happy times, but it wasn't always so. Lucy and I were complicated, both with big egos and determination.
We were both from the same world though, we would always find things to say, conversation; just getting along with never an issue. But the fact is I have forgotten about her, there is a lot that I erased from my mind, and replaced with something else. I’m sure I've even spoken very badly of her to my friends on numerous occasions, not so much anymore.
It was incredibly complicated, truth is we were both wrong, Lucy went off with some other guy, and I convinced myself she was cheating, I did neglect her but probably won’t admit it because of my ego.
We separated, and I suppose Lucy is the only one who knows what she though of, what went on in her mind.
I did leave my life, changed my ways; did some bad things, met some cool people. Filled voids that were painful, Lucy stayed stagnant. In one dull gloomy pond with only hope- no idea as to what.
Lucy has given me hints about different things, very subtle hints, but It doesn’t matter to me, cause I've changed my life.
The truth is, even with a missed opportunity and bad dealings on both parts, it shows the truth about love, one will always love more.
One will always hurt more, and one will always forget much more than the other.
We were both from the same world though, we would always find things to say, conversation; just getting along with never an issue. But the fact is I have forgotten about her, there is a lot that I erased from my mind, and replaced with something else. I’m sure I've even spoken very badly of her to my friends on numerous occasions, not so much anymore.
It was incredibly complicated, truth is we were both wrong, Lucy went off with some other guy, and I convinced myself she was cheating, I did neglect her but probably won’t admit it because of my ego.
We separated, and I suppose Lucy is the only one who knows what she though of, what went on in her mind.
I did leave my life, changed my ways; did some bad things, met some cool people. Filled voids that were painful, Lucy stayed stagnant. In one dull gloomy pond with only hope- no idea as to what.
Lucy has given me hints about different things, very subtle hints, but It doesn’t matter to me, cause I've changed my life.
The truth is, even with a missed opportunity and bad dealings on both parts, it shows the truth about love, one will always love more.
One will always hurt more, and one will always forget much more than the other.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Eternity minus a day.
An incandescent light eerily looming over the night's never ending horizon.
A million and one empty trees;
weave, and sway in the mist; as if curious to see me.
A chill creeps up my body, I shake almost in a slow motion. My eyes begin to dilate in disbelief, focusing on the infinite long stick fingers manifesting before me.
"Is this your secret" I whisper in the dusk, as they all mesh together.
Laying me down a top their delicate weave in hours that felt like days, a glorious and peaceful slumber.
So much sacred in the solace of nature's kiss.
How we have overcast our concerns into the roots of deceit and evil.
Our backs are turned as we willingly lay blind to our own selfish cruelty.
Although I am there, willing, hoping..
Separate from them all, I do stand; looking down at my hands are layers of thick and heavy chain, far too great, far too powerful
Power so difficult to combat alone.
(OOC)
I will say this, Selfishness has become just another appendage to us.we neglect to stand together to change the rules because of influence and power.Hoping to be invisible all together, avoiding any sort of attention to our pathetic worlds.
Yet again we breed, we breed; we now are passing on a hopeless disgusting reality to our children.
With excessive regulations.
WE are that selfish, that even our own children aren't worth fighting for. Let us toss away our conscious in one of the many man made vices.
A million and one empty trees;
weave, and sway in the mist; as if curious to see me.
A chill creeps up my body, I shake almost in a slow motion. My eyes begin to dilate in disbelief, focusing on the infinite long stick fingers manifesting before me.
"Is this your secret" I whisper in the dusk, as they all mesh together.
Laying me down a top their delicate weave in hours that felt like days, a glorious and peaceful slumber.
So much sacred in the solace of nature's kiss.
How we have overcast our concerns into the roots of deceit and evil.
Our backs are turned as we willingly lay blind to our own selfish cruelty.
Although I am there, willing, hoping..
Separate from them all, I do stand; looking down at my hands are layers of thick and heavy chain, far too great, far too powerful
Power so difficult to combat alone.
(OOC)
I will say this, Selfishness has become just another appendage to us.we neglect to stand together to change the rules because of influence and power.Hoping to be invisible all together, avoiding any sort of attention to our pathetic worlds.
Yet again we breed, we breed; we now are passing on a hopeless disgusting reality to our children.
With excessive regulations.
WE are that selfish, that even our own children aren't worth fighting for. Let us toss away our conscious in one of the many man made vices.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Goodbye
Goodbye long lost love, for those more fortunate to be blessed.
So long my sweet dear, I have drown in these troubled waters for many a year..
Fear has pulled me deep into this tangled web deep where no eyes could ever possibly see.
Curling up now, my feet almost touching my forehead I embrace the disease that I have conceived and nurtured. It now has a life of its own.
It has taken the persona of someone else, almost real in my hands; the reflection of my inner demon, this has become my master.
"Slave away, wear away" it calls out, repeatedly, lest I forget; there are and have always been four walls around me.
Tying me up, all of my limbs taught and firm, as the demon pulls every part away from me.
"These are no longer yours"
Astonished and bleeding; my severed parts begin to form other bodies and start to walk away, creating a deep sense of loss and isolation.
"At Least I have my Memories" I proclaim, "at very least"
The demon, then turning towards me, slightly tilting its ugly neck, "Memories? Keep them, the pain of remembering is the worst pain of all."
So long my sweet dear, I have drown in these troubled waters for many a year..
Fear has pulled me deep into this tangled web deep where no eyes could ever possibly see.
Curling up now, my feet almost touching my forehead I embrace the disease that I have conceived and nurtured. It now has a life of its own.
It has taken the persona of someone else, almost real in my hands; the reflection of my inner demon, this has become my master.
"Slave away, wear away" it calls out, repeatedly, lest I forget; there are and have always been four walls around me.
Tying me up, all of my limbs taught and firm, as the demon pulls every part away from me.
"These are no longer yours"
Astonished and bleeding; my severed parts begin to form other bodies and start to walk away, creating a deep sense of loss and isolation.
"At Least I have my Memories" I proclaim, "at very least"
The demon, then turning towards me, slightly tilting its ugly neck, "Memories? Keep them, the pain of remembering is the worst pain of all."
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Old Tiny Copper Tea Pot- (Unfinished)
In the darkness of the full and isolating forest, an old disjointed cabin; it's foundation like old dry, brittle sticks, much like the old woman who resides there.
Her frail and weak body resting soundly on her ancient rocking chair and in the background an old, quaint shelf, engulfed in cobwebs and better days lay; resting a tiny copper tea pot.
It's shape once round and whole had become warped with one side jutting out slightly over the many years of neglect. It's crude appearance overwhelming with tarnish, spotting and dust much like callus on skin.
It lay on the shelf, alone, dejected and disguarded; the old woman had long since given up on this prize. It had now become too heavy to lift, to difficult to hold; to troublesome to boil. Even so a sense of hope
and possibilities still flowed through the tiny spout,It could remember the first time it was boiled, the feeling of an excessive warmth rushing throughout like a enormous overflowing blanket. It could remember the sweet smelling teas, of countless kinds.
It could remember the happiness it felt by simply being needed.
Her frail and weak body resting soundly on her ancient rocking chair and in the background an old, quaint shelf, engulfed in cobwebs and better days lay; resting a tiny copper tea pot.
It's shape once round and whole had become warped with one side jutting out slightly over the many years of neglect. It's crude appearance overwhelming with tarnish, spotting and dust much like callus on skin.
It lay on the shelf, alone, dejected and disguarded; the old woman had long since given up on this prize. It had now become too heavy to lift, to difficult to hold; to troublesome to boil. Even so a sense of hope
and possibilities still flowed through the tiny spout,It could remember the first time it was boiled, the feeling of an excessive warmth rushing throughout like a enormous overflowing blanket. It could remember the sweet smelling teas, of countless kinds.
It could remember the happiness it felt by simply being needed.
Death of the Chief.
"Griefs retched cinders have burned holes through my broken heart, it's ashes have left me in dark clouds of endless sorrow, and in such a devastating time I must rationalize a decision. Lorian my son, so young; and fragile has been broken by the loss of his innocence. My only hope is the love, my people have known me to have -so much of, can piece back together the strength for your understanding at such a young age.."
Her cloudy sad eyes fell to the ground, with such an enormous pressure, she had little to no time to conclude a more logical response.. "yes.." she wept, heartfelt tears that dripped over her dark skin. " after three winters my son, will take his place. When life can once again resuscitate the remains of it's frozen, cruel heart, after the third winter, yes." "Diferion" Nelgar paused, "you shall maintain order until then" and with that Nelgar retreated back through the beaded doorway of her modest hut.
Her cloudy sad eyes fell to the ground, with such an enormous pressure, she had little to no time to conclude a more logical response.. "yes.." she wept, heartfelt tears that dripped over her dark skin. " after three winters my son, will take his place. When life can once again resuscitate the remains of it's frozen, cruel heart, after the third winter, yes." "Diferion" Nelgar paused, "you shall maintain order until then" and with that Nelgar retreated back through the beaded doorway of her modest hut.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Abyss
Originally written: March 23rd 2009
Bright luscious green, filled every tiny crevasse as far as the eye could possibly see. Walking through trees and flower, as if they were all happy to see me; never imagining that there could ever be darkness left in this world.
Through a thicket of bush, and dense foliage lay ground to a gap of bleak and gloom.
Something never wishing to be found, but not unwilling to take in its prisoners. Distracted by the splendors that life can occasionally bring to a person you would be oblivious to such a discreet imperfection and since it would seemingly be out of place, your thoughts would be none the wiser neither.
Let this be a lesson, the darkness would say; a warning in times where all the good in the world showers you with wondrous promises, through life there are always prices to pay; for mistakes for fortune and misfortune.
And with that in mind a balance must be maintained for the greater good.
I believe the lessons one must learn in life, are more obvious for a reason. Points are made that cannot be ignored any longer, what are my choices in life? What is the right path to make?
When my mind believes in something, so strongly so sure of. Who am I to fight it?
The truth with many realities is that, I procrastinate, I push back my thoughts, and hide them behind glass doors, for a time when my anger has nothing left to do but let them out.
Ghosts and shadows, of my ideal logic, I have beautiful dreams you know?
Dreams that I wish to nurture, but still in my life at this very moment there are so many uncertainties about life, about these choices, about the infinite paths to take, the risks I ignore, the logic I hide.
My roots are strong but they have diminished, and now I have chances to revive such roots? To go back to the person I was, and I am at a loss for words, a loss for choice.
It is these times that create hardship; I am relying on that of which force that just floats me on by, i listen to others; and go with it.
No longer putting up a fight, it is those doors; that I refer to, sometimes its simply easier, to let life takes its own choices, that is how spontaneity works.
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